The red group assembled to tackle the Torture 40. This hill fest of a route (according to our TT legend Andre Payne) was set by the Reading Cycle club. No doubt in an attempt to finish off anyone brave enough to try it.

On the line we had Tom, Dan and Quentin, who’s slender builds and DNA ensures they will get to the top of a climb with ease, Deane, who makes more power than your average family car, and finally Alain, an unknown quantity from Belgium. I knew we would be in for a fun day but I was certainly feeling the 40 miles in my legs from the previous day’s gravel ride.

We stuck together until we got to Mill End, the official start of the 40 mile route. Whereupon I suggested that on the climbs that we not look back, smash it, and re-group at the top. Oh, and I asked them to be patient as I would probably be tail end Charlie on every climb.

Suddenly, Tom shot off the right. After a lot of debate and scratching of heads, we realised that since the last time he and I had done the route, I had reversed the direction of travel before sharing with the club. Since the majority of the riders had the revised route, we decided that Tom should turn right when the device said left and left when the device said right. Problem solved.

Before we got to the first climb, we had the first casualty in the form if Deane’s rear wheel. After hitting a ripple in the road, a spoke snapped in two and the internal nipples on his Bontrager hoop resulted in an irreparable ride. After releasing the rear brake to prevent rubbing, Deane made the wise decision to limp home or seek refuge in Saddle Safari, a wise move given the severity of the descents in the area.

We cracked on and hit the hill up to Ibstone. Holloway lane is an absolute ramp of a climb. Dark horse Alain showed his true colours and tore off up the hill. Having laid down the gauntlet, we did our best to keep him in sight. He kindly slowed down enough for me to catch up at the top but Alain’s climb was worthy of a KOM.

Next on the list was Dolesden, then right onto Pishill before arriving the stunning Britwell Salome where we stopped to enjoy the views. Which when done properly (in a downward direction) proves to be straight and rather quick. Top speed of the group was a flighty 51.3 mph in favourable conditions and a wide grin.

We rode on to Watlington where we planned to attack Watlington hill. Ironically, the road was closed for a bunch of riders (50 in all) who were climbing the hill 86 times to complete an Everesting challenge. Respectfully, leaving the nutters to it, we took a quick diversion to continue the route.

The next notable hill was that which passes the Chilterns Winery, where a cycle event was taking place and we observed many a tired-looking rider crossing the finish line. Feeling somewhat tired ourselves, there was a degree of empathy for those who had decided to take part in the hilly sportive.

Benhams lane made for an absolutely blinding descent, with open views around corners it was time to let off the anchors and use the road. We all “made progress” as the Thames Valley police would say and arrived at the bottom in record time with yet more grins on our faces.

Down Shogmore hill we nearly had a second casualty. Having missed a 3-year-old boy on my side of the road, Quentin and I arrived at the bottom pf the hill. With no sign of the others and fearful that someone had come to mischief avoiding the aforementioned child. We high tailed it back and met Dan only to learn that his handlebars had come loose midway down the ride. After what proved to be a fearful moment, we were collectively relieved that he kept it rubber side down. A quick fix saw him continuing the ride.

By then, we were all so tired that one hill blurred into another, and we were thankful when we got to Colstrope lane, the last of the Torture 40 hills on the ride. “It’s only 0.7 miles to the top!” I said cheerily to the group. Alas, it was the hardest 0.7 miles we’d done that day and my speed hit an all time low of 2.7 mph as I crawled up to meet my fellow riders.

Hats off to the group. They had the patience of a saint waiting for me on the hills, rode through some rather sketchy conditions where the eternally eroding Chilterns left gravel and dust in the road, reducing a rideable 3-metre-wide road to a strip barely 1 metre across. No-one came to mischief, and everyone thoroughly enjoyed the ride. A coffee at Vélo Life finished off the perfect day’s ride.

Ride Stats:

• Distance: 74 Miles
• Elevation: 5,450 ft
• Number of hills: 9
• Number of grins: Too many to count. :-)